I’m going through a difficult period of my life right now. There are several things happening at the same time, some connected to my health, others to a situation involving abuse and stalking that I am currently getting support for. I don’t want to go into the details here, partly because some things need time before I know how, or even if, I want to talk about them publicly. But I do want this diary to be honest about where I am.

And where I am right now is overwhelmed.

It is a strange feeling because life doesn’t stop when something difficult happens. Emails still arrive. Projects still exist. Laundry still needs doing. People still ask questions. There are appointments to remember, decisions to make, messages to answer, things you promised yourself you would finish. And meanwhile there is another part of your mind trying to process things that are much bigger than any of those everyday tasks.

When several difficult things happen at once, I find that they stop feeling like separate problems. They become one enormous mass of noise. I can deal with one thing and immediately remember the other five. I can have a good hour and then suddenly feel the weight of everything again. Sometimes I don’t even know exactly what I am feeling because there are too many emotions competing for space at the same time. Fear, exhaustion, frustration, sadness, anger, uncertainty. And somewhere underneath all of that, the ordinary version of me is still trying to continue with an ordinary day.

I think one of the hardest things about feeling overwhelmed is the expectation that you should still function exactly as you normally do. I catch myself making plans as if my brain and body currently have the same amount of energy they have when life is relatively calm. Then I become frustrated when I can’t keep up with those plans. I forget that dealing with difficult things is itself something I am doing. Processing takes energy. Asking for help takes energy. Going to appointments takes energy. Making decisions when you are scared or exhausted takes energy. Even trying to understand how you feel takes energy.

So right now I am trying not to demand a perfect version of myself in the middle of an imperfect situation. Some days I will manage more, some days less. Some days I will make things, laugh, go somewhere and feel completely like myself. Other days everything will feel heavy. Both can exist in the same period of my life.

I don’t have a conclusion yet. I am in the middle of it, and perhaps that is worth documenting too. An Artist Diary doesn’t only have to record finished work, beautiful ideas or things I have already understood. Sometimes it can simply say: this is where I am today. It is difficult. It is a lot. And I am trying to find my way through it.