Today I understood something important about myself.

This morning, I was supposed to go to a queer, sex-positive party in London for the first time. It was one of those huge events that go on for more than 24 hours straight.

When I woke up, though, I realised that the thing exciting me the most wasn’t even the party itself. It was the idea of freedom. And suddenly something clicked in my head.

I think I’ve spent so much time feeling trapped by illness that now freedom has become almost physical to me.
A necessity.
Not a luxury.

My body already forces limits onto me all the time.
Pain forces limits.
Fear forces limits.
Exhaustion forces limits.

And I think this is why recently I kept obsessively talking about freedom in every possible form.

Freedom in relationships.
Freedom in sexuality.
Freedom in self expression.
Freedom in art.
Freedom in identity.
Freedom in the way I exist in the world.

I kept thinking it was only about self-expression and relationships, but today I realised it goes much deeper than that.

I don’t want to feel imprisoned anymore.

Not by judgement. Not by expectations. Not by the idea that illness already stole enough from me.

I arrived at the party but there were too many people and I couldn’t get inside.
Normally something like that would have frustrated me. But instead I suddenly thought: “Fuck it! I still want to do something that belongs to me today”.

So I walked through Camden and decided to get my nipples pierced. And weirdly, it didn’t feel reckless at all. It felt calm. Clear. Almost symbolic.

Like my body needed proof that I can still choose things for myself. That I can still transform myself. That I can still become.

When I came home, I kept thinking about all of this. About how every piece of art comes from somewhere real.

There are days behind it. Emotions behind it. People behind it. Moments of collapse, discovery, confusion, freedom.

Art doesn’t appear out of nowhere.

And maybe that’s exactly why I felt the need to start this diary tonight. Not just to document what I create, but to document the person slowly emerging behind the art itself.